Marriage sex is a mixed bag.

Becoming a dad of two teaches you some things. Like deciphering between hot, passionate, impromptu sex and “my wife wants to have another baby” sex.

Generally, my wife and I do a fine job in the bedroom. Except when it comes to baby making. Then I just feel used and defeated.

Men who have experienced this process will likely resonate. It’s like a hawk awaiting the attack of its prey. You need to be ready. You need to be alert. And you need to be available.

It’s crazy to think what a slim margin of time you have to nail down the deed. And even when you’re asked to wake up 45 minutes earlier than your alarm to practically be taken advantage of, because your wife is ovulating, you still have the odds going against you.

Sometimes it’s not even sex, its literal seed planting. Just feel free to do what you want with me, just let me continue to sleep while it happens. And if this small window of time fails to work, then its rinse and repeat, four weeks later.

But be prepared, you’re going to have sex EVERY OTHER DAY. If your dick is falling off, you’re going to fuck. That’s just how it goes; it’s not about getting down. It’s just about timing. This isn’t the “yes, I’m having sex every day” mentality that men can brag to their friends about. This is meant to be fun for you!

I mean it, whether you want it, you’re having it.

And the best part is watching your lady flip her legs back in some weird yoga position because she read online that raising her legs up can help with sperm flow.

One night we decided to make the act a bit hotter. You know, like “sex-sex.” Somehow we ended up on the toilet. For visual pursuit, I sit down and she straddles me.

But then, all of a sudden I started questioning whether I wanted to keep the cover seat up or down. You know I’m a gentleman. Down would have been uncomfortable because the collective weight would have cracked the cover. Up kind of worked, since my ass could tuck comfortably into the seat, but all I could think about was my balls submerged in water and all of a sudden, there became new meaning to the phrase “tea-bagging.” My wife’s name is Talia, by the way and ironically her nickname is, Tea Bag. Go figure.

Needless to say, not sexy, not hot. Funny, yes. But that’s marriage. Marriage is finding the beauty in this experience and still recognizing that it’s harvest season – because your girl’s ovaries are about to go into a month-long hibernation.

The point is do not stress the baby making process, embrace it. Think about how much sex you had when you first had sex. Exploration is what kept your curiosity ticking. In the interim, focus on the amusement in the process, because trust me, it’s those moments that will get you through this journey.

Besides, once that baby arrives, sex just ceases to exist. I think now I realize why women force this sex calendar on men during ovulation time. It’s basically a reminder that this may be the last time you’ll ever have sex again, so you better enjoy while it lasts.

In other words, just get used to having sex when it’s time to conceive the next kid.