So You Want to Be a Dad?

I always wanted to be that father. I was prepared to be that father. All in. Whatever it took.

But a lot of men ask me what should they expect. What’s it like devoting yourself to raising terrorists. I mean toddlers. So in honor of Father’s Day, I decided to give it to them straight.

A list of personal encounters to offer some insight into patriarchy through the eyes of someone who is fully bought into dealing with the shit; both literally & figuratively.

And I promise I wouldn’t trade it in for the world.

So if you want to be a dad, consider asking yourself if you’re ready to take this life on:

I paid $5 for my son to buy just shaved ice from the snow cone vendor.
Kids use 80% of the toilet paper roll to clean 10% of their bums.
Always fun waking up to a puddle of pee which my son left on the bathroom floor when he himself woke up to pee at 3 AM and completely missed the toilet.
No one warned me about listening to the same song on loop for months straight.
My son saw me manscaping today with my pants at my ankles and asked me if I’m giving myself a haircut.
If you want to become a billionaire, find a product that keeps water inside the bathtub.
My son woke me up this morning to show me his booger that looked like the Eiffel Tower.
My wife and I were totally against having our kids in front of the TV and then I realized it was 6:30 AM on a Sunday.
The neighbors called the cops to my house after hearing consecutive screams coming from my child every Saturday morning. Little did they know we were just teaching him how to swim.
My oldest pulled out the broom the other day to clean the floor. I felt proud as a parent. And then I remembered the mess would soon be worse than it was.
My son picked up a tomato from the floor the other day and ate it. Once I realized what it was, I was happy he was getting his veggies.
Took my son to see our cousin’s semi-trailer truck and I’m pretty sure that’s the equivalent of a kid’s wet dream.
I find it impressive how my kids can somehow find a way to use me as their human napkin.
Now that I have two kids everyone has been asking me when I’m buying my wife a minivan and I keep telling them the same day we get a divorce.
Parenting tip #417: when letting your child feed themselves, don’t bother cleaning up after every bite. Just wait until the final bite to deal with the larger mess.
One of the worst things to deal with as a parent is having to ask the neighbor you hate to get the ball your child threw over to their side of the fence.
Every time my wife’s concerned about our boys eating too many snacks, I remind her of the time we witnessed a 4-year-old eating a bowl of Twizzlers with whipped cream for dinner.
Celebrating your anniversary as a parent means that instead of showering with your spouse you shower with your kids.
Both of my kids have acquired this new habit of twirling my chest hair and suddenly, I feel like I’m one of those anxiety-reducing toys.
Took my toddler for a walk outside this morning. Reached the end of the block and realized we’d already been walking for 2.5 hours.
My three-year-old was rummaging through my nightstand. He found a condom and asked me what it was. I told him that it was medicine. Then he asked me if I’m sick as to which I replied, no. I don’t get sick enough to have to take it.
My kids buried me in laundry and I took the opportunity to sleep.
When you need to poop in your kid’s school but the toilet is designed for people under three feet.
The other day my son was so good at negotiating during clean-up-time, I ended up cleaning everything by myself.
I never realized the need to buy a 48 pack of AA batteries until I bought my son a mechanical toothbrush.
Even at 35 I still can’t properly puncture the juice box of a Capri Sun.
Am I evil for finding pleasure in watching my 18-month-old struggle to get raisins out of a box?
I’m so tired this morning that I poured boiling water for my coffee into my son’s bowl of cereal.
Bought melatonin to help my kids nap better. Thought I’d give him the bottle and plan to see him next Thursday.
Today my son Simon kept pooping while I was changing his diaper and it reminded me of every time I’ve gone to eat froyo and fail to close the lever after pouring out the yogurt.
My son’s version of a “bulge in his pants” is carrying ten cars with him in his pocket.
Is there such a thing as a Poop Doula for kids learning to go potty?
I now understand why parents with more than 3 kids let their children’s teeth rot.
I woke up today realizing my mom was 37 at my best friend’s bar mitzvah and I’m getting anxious about being 37 at my son’s friend’s 5th bday party.
When will people stop buying my children toys and just contribute to their 529 plan?
You know you’re a dad when you’ve mastered lifting practically everything with your toes.
Money-saving hack: adhesive baby shirts so they collect dust and lint while they crawl all over the place.
Every time I need to remove my baby’s onesie to change his diaper I think about my wife wearing a leotard bodysuit and needing to pee.
Babysitters are so expensive that I need to start a go-fund-me page for going out with my friends.
If my toddler had a CV it would read that he speaks 700 words per minute.
The other day my son finally learned to open drawers. The first one he found was my wife’s sex toys.
The weekends are now spent trying to figure out how to occupy our two sons to get them tired enough to take a really long afternoon nap.
I asked our ADT installer if we can adjust the amount of time it takes to get out of the house before the alarm goes off because you know, kids.
Thank God it’s quite easy to figure out a baby puzzle when you’re an adult.
Experienced a big moment in my life today, I gave my almost four-year-old my hair pomade since I’m now almost bald.
Good thing my son puked all over me while I was at the Gap. At least I was able to buy myself some new clothes.

I always wanted to be that father. I was prepared to be that father. All in. Whatever it took.

So if you want to be a dad, consider asking yourself if you’re ready to take this life on:

I paid $5 for my son to buy just shaved ice from the snow cone vendor.

Kids use 80% of the toilet paper roll to clean 10% of their bums.

Always fun waking up to a puddle of pee which my son left on the bathroom floor when he himself woke up to pee at 3 AM and completely missed the toilet.

No one warned me about listening to the same song on loop for months straight.

My son saw me manscaping today with my pants at my ankles and asked me if I’m giving myself a haircut.

If you want to become a billionaire, find a product that keeps water inside the bathtub.

My son woke me up this morning to show me his booger that looked like the Eiffel Tower.

My wife and I were totally against having our kids in front of the TV and then I realized it was 6:30 AM on a Sunday.

The neighbors called the cops to my house after hearing consecutive screams coming from my child every Saturday morning. Little did they know we were just teaching him how to swim.

My oldest pulled out the broom the other day to clean the floor. I felt proud as a parent. And then I remembered the mess would soon be worse than it was.

My son picked up a tomato from the floor the other day and ate it. Once I realized what it was, I was happy he was getting his veggies.

Took my son to see our cousin’s semi-trailer truck and I’m pretty sure that’s the equivalent of a kid’s wet dream.

I find it impressive how my kids can somehow find a way to use me as their human napkin.

Now that I have two kids everyone has been asking me when I’m buying my wife a minivan and I keep telling them the same day we get a divorce.

Parenting tip #417: when letting your child feed themselves, don’t bother cleaning up after every bite. Just wait until the final bite to deal with the larger mess.

One of the worst things to deal with as a parent is having to ask the neighbor you hate to get the ball your child threw over to their side of the fence.

Every time my wife’s concerned about our boys eating too many snacks, I remind her of the time we witnessed a 4-year-old eating a bowl of Twizzlers with whipped cream for dinner.

Celebrating your anniversary as a parent means that instead of showering with your spouse you shower with your kids.

Both of my kids have acquired this new habit of twirling my chest hair and suddenly, I feel like I’m one of those anxiety-reducing toys.

Took my toddler for a walk outside this morning. Reached the end of the block and realized we’d already been walking for 2.5 hours.

My three-year-old was rummaging through my nightstand. He found a condom and asked me what it was. I told him that it was medicine. Then he asked me if I’m sick as to which I replied, no. I don’t get sick enough to have to take it.

My kids buried me in laundry and I took the opportunity to sleep.

When you need to poop in your kid’s school but the toilet is designed for people under three feet.

The other day my son was so good at negotiating during clean-up-time, I ended up cleaning everything by myself.

I never realized the need to buy a 48 pack of AA batteries until I bought my son a mechanical toothbrush.

Even at 35 I still can’t properly puncture the juice box of a Capri Sun.

Am I evil for finding pleasure in watching my 18-month-old struggle to get raisins out of a box?

I’m so tired this morning that I poured boiling water for my coffee into my son’s bowl of cereal.

Bought melatonin to help my kids nap better. Thought I’d give him the bottle and plan to see him next Thursday.

Today my son Simon kept pooping while I was changing his diaper and it reminded me of every time I’ve gone to eat froyo and fail to close the lever after pouring out the yogurt.

My son’s version of a “bulge in his pants” is carrying ten cars with him in his pocket.

Is there such a thing as a Poop Doula for kids learning to go potty?

I now understand why parents with more than 3 kids let their children’s teeth rot.

I woke up today realizing my mom was 37 at my best friend’s bar mitzvah and I’m getting anxious about being 37 at my son’s friend’s 5th bday party.

When will people stop buying my children toys and just contribute to their 529 plan?

You know you’re a dad when you’ve mastered lifting practically everything with your toes.

Money-saving hack: adhesive baby shirts so they collect dust and lint while they crawl all over the place.

Every time I need to remove my baby’s onesie to change his diaper I think about my wife wearing a leotard bodysuit and needing to pee.

Babysitters are so expensive that I need to start a go-fund-me page for going out with my friends.

If my toddler had a CV it would read that he speaks 700 words per minute.

The other day my son finally learned to open drawers. The first one he found was my wife’s sex toys.

The weekends are now spent trying to figure out how to occupy our two sons to get them tired enough to take a really long afternoon nap.

I asked our ADT installer if we can adjust the amount of time it takes to get out of the house before the alarm goes off because you know, kids.

Thank God it’s quite easy to figure out a baby puzzle when you’re an adult.

Experienced a big moment in my life today, I gave my almost four-year-old my hair pomade since I’m now almost bald.

Good thing my son puked all over me while I was at the Gap. At least I was able to buy myself some new clothes.

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